Ew, Feelings...

My air-fryer broke, and my world is crashing. #overreacting101

I’ve had a rough week. My oldest(16) flew to Indonesia ALONE to visit a friend. The world seems to be in a downward spiral shit-show. And I’m just a batshit-crazy, BPD, ADHD alcoholic dealing with everything, by NOT dealing with it.

I. AM. NOT. ready for my kids to be adults. It feels like I just got them. They change so much, so quickly; it is like they are a different person each time they com home from school, and before I can learn and appreciate who they are, they’re new again.

FEELINGS. BPD. ALCOHOLISM. IYKYK

One program says, “feel them, but just for a bit, and pass no judgement.” The other say, “this is the bed you made, sleep in the discomfort, and take a moral inventory.” I also have a therapist who validates my feelings.

I’m just, I don’t want to say “broken,” but I definitely ain’t right.

I’m flawed, I’m hurt, I’m fearful.

So the airfryer- it said, “cough, cough,” made a sizzling sound, the screen flashed, and then it flat-lined. And that brings me back today. We have to buy a new appliance. We know we’re only going to be in this apartment for two more years, and maybe not in China at all. My focus is on this fucking air fryer. Do we get a cheap one to hold us over, do we get the air fryer of our dreams?

This next stage of our lives scares the fuck out of me. What does our relationship look like when the kids are gone? Am I worth keeping around when the need for housework declines? I have a FUCK-TON of insecurities to trod through.